2/02/2005

What Would Republican Jesus Do?

From Ted Rall on Yahoo News:
And it came to pass that Republican Jesus met with His advisers, strategists and corporate cronies. He took them and withdrew apart to a deserted city called Bethesda. But the multitudes followed Him nonetheless. So Republican Jesus asked His cronies to build Him a great stadium where He could welcome members of the multitudes able to pay Him an admission fee and purchase vast quantities of licensed merchandise at exorbitant prices.
He welcomed these people and sent off those who needed medical attention to a land called Canada.
The light of the day began to wane, so His toadies said to Republican Jesus: "Send these stinky riffraff away, that we may cross the Beltway to our home, and get steaks and baked potatoes and double martinis and crème brulées, for here we are in a barren place with naught but a TCBY and a vestigial relic of the Hardee's chain." He answered them: "Stop whining, for God's sake. You will soon have more than enough to eat."
They said to Him: "But we have a mere five Power Bars and two Diet Cokes. We are twelve advisers, strategists and corporate sycophants, and many of us are portly, and with all due respect, that sucks."
He told His hangers-on: "Sit down, shut up, and give me all of your money." After exchanging cynical glances, they did dig into their wallets and gave Him their loot. With that Republican Jesus raced to his waiting SUV and ordered his chauffeur to fly like the wind.
"As a rising tide lifts all boats," He cried from his speeding automobile, "so shall you benefit from the increased economic activity generated by the money you have given Me! I will buy Myself a sumptuous banquet and several portable electronic devices and also ho's, creating jobs in the food/electronic/ho sectors that you will take in order to feed yourselves. Give a man a fish and he eats a fish, but teach a man to fish at rock-bottom wages and we all shall eat his fish."

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